Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
