idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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