Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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