i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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