never play flip cup with pint glasses
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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