well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
