i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
