i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
