I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
