When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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