Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
