who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
