the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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