I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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