the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
