I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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