I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
FUCK WHALES
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
