I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
