So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Randomize
