life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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