Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
