pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
