i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
