You can't special order awesome
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
