I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
