It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
