What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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