I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
