Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
