cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
