we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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