If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
