If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
There r osticjed everywhere
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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