My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
