bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
