There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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