I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Is it because I queefed?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
