well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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