Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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