Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
