I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
barbara walters just said penis...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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