They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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