Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
