I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just want to make out with him forever
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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