9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
