please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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