Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
