your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
