i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
