this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
