The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
